King Kong Smashes City
By Claire Theobald
Terror stricken Edmontonians ran for cover earlier this morning as an escaped giant ape ravaged Edmonton's downtown core.
The ape, known as King Kong, was currently on tour with owner and handler Carl Denham when he escaped from the chains that bound him on the stage and began a rampage at around 7:00 a.m. this morning. Audience members speculate that the ape was startled by flash bulbs used by media photographers who were documenting the apes arrival, which some have heralded as the eighth wonder of the world.
"And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty, and beauty stayed his hand." said Denham, speculating the beast was driven mad by his love of actress Ann Darrow, "And from that day forward, he was as one dead."
Darrow, an actress hired by Denham when he first captured King Kong, was helpless against the heavy handed beast as he carried her up the Manulife Tower, which is Edmonton's tallest building.
"I'm rather disappointed... it was a tragedy" said Devon Bowie, who stood with the crowd gathered to watch the rescue efforts "this'll be hell for the morning commute"
Eventually, the ape was blinded by the large spotlight in the Edmonton police helicopter, causing the ape to fall to his death and allowing the Edmonton Police to legitimize spending an estimated minimum of $1.5 million a year in operating costs of the helicopter.
(Manulife Place image taken from skyscraperpage.com)
(King Kong image taken from memepark)
The City of Edmonton
Edmonton, the capital city of Alberta, is located on the North Saskatchewan River and is home to some of the region’s most fertile farmland.
In the Canadian Census taken in 2006, it was determined that Edmonton had a population of 730,372 people, earning it the title of having one of the lowest urban population densities in North America. Being somewhat known for hosting festivals, Edmonton has branded itself with the title of “Festival City”.
“Edmonton is a city in which I live. Almost a million people live there” said Edmontonian Devin Bowie, “That’s almost a thousand times a thousand, almost”
Edmonton boasts having the largest mall in North America, which at one point jokingly was known for having more operational submarines then the Canadian Navy. Edmonton is also home to Fort Edmonton park, a historical site with a footprint larger than that of the Vatican.
Being in Alberta, Edmonton is no stranger to dipping its fingers into the riches accumulated by the oil sands, and has built the foundation of a bustling economy off profits that are squeezed out of the sands surrounding Fort McMurray.
Edmonton also has its own Indy Racing League, and has unfortunately poured money down the Indy pit, where the only ones who seem to profit from the races are the bar girls in the beer tents.
(image of Edmonton Skyline taken from wikipedia)
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